A Few Brief Announcements...

Hi, all!

Just a quick note to say that I haven't given up on this blog. Quite the contrary- I have a several fun new entries and features that I'm currently working on. However, instead of publishing them here, I'm going to be moving this blog over to WordPress. Over the next few days, I'll be transferring all my past entries over to my new site, which is also where all new content will go from now on. So change your bookmarks and follow me on over to https://thebooksinmyhead.wordpress.com/ .

See you there!

Famous Movie Speeches, as Written by Different Authors

Mel Gibson's "Freedom!" speech from Braveheart, as written by Jane Austen:

William Wallace: My dear gentlemen, I am Mr. William Wallace.

Soldier: Mr. William Wallace has a great estate in Darbyshire and 7,000 a year, at least!

Wallace: Indeed, so I have heard, for Mrs. Long has just been here and told me all about him. He shoots grouse by the hundreds and if he were indeed in attendance today, he should, by the very superior nature of his dancing and his skill at the whist table, doubtless drive all the English before him. I must insist that I AM Mr. William Wallace. I perceive here a large party of my countrymen assembled in stubborn defiance of tyranny. You have assembled to fight as free gentlemen and I have no doubt that free gentlemen you most assuredly are. Indeed, whatever should we do without such freedom as is here spoken of? I pray you, gentlemen, will you fight?

Soldier: Indeed not! I believe, sir, that I may safely promise you never to fight against such a host as that! Rather, we shall run, and we shall live!

Wallace: Obstinate, headstrong Scots! Aye, no doubt, if you choose to fight there is a very good chance that you may die, while if you should run, you may live, at least for the present. But, expiring in your beds years from now, would not you trade all the days in between for the singular opportunity of returning hence and informing our enemies of the truth universally acknowledged that a valiant Scotsman, in possession of both his life and his freedom, may be able to be deprived by the English of the former, but never of the latter!

Vigorous, but polite, applause; several murmurs of agreement and; one or two shouts of "Huzzah!" and "Most excellently said!"

Alec Baldwin's "Always Be Closing" speech from Glengarry Glen Ross, as written by William Shakespeare:

Blake: Are they all here assembled?

Williamson: Aye, all but one.

Blake: Faith, I shall speak nonetheless. To matters of great import let us now direct our thoughts. (To Levene) What dost thou there? Has thou coffee? Fie upon thee, fie for shame! Unhand thy cup! Such fare is but the property of closers! Dost think I jape with thee? ‘Sooth, I jape not! Hither have I come on matters of that most heavenly and undeserved gift, the gentle grace of mercy! Thou’rt Levene?

Levene: Aye, I answer to that name.

Blake: Thou callst thyself a salesman, thou son and heir of a mongrel bitch?

Moss: I need not lendeth mine ear to this skimble-skamble stuff!

Blake: Thou speaks aright, for here shalt thou no longer ply thy wares! Hence, and get thee gone! And all the rest that do assemble here, thou e’en now hast but the span of seven nights with which to earn thy keep! Thou has leads!

Leven: Marry, the leads do lack in strength.

Blake: ‘The leads do lack in strength!’ Thou dost lack in strength, thou puny clack-dish!

Moss: What be thy name?

Blake: Lord Bite-My-Thumb be my name! (to Levene) And “Bootless Varlet” be thy name! Faith, but thou art more suited to the mincing sports of mewling babes than thou art to the tasks of men! Thou canst not close, and then back to thy wretched hovel dost thou slink in putrid disgrace, there like some lovesick maid to weep unto thy lady of thy troubles! (to everyone again) There is but one virtue in this mortal coil and that is for thou to have them upon the dotted line affix their seals! Dost hear and know my meaning, thou dankish scuts? (flips over a blackboard to reveal the letters “ABC”) “A” doth stand for “always,” “B” for “be,” “C” for “closing.” Always be closing! Thou closeth or into dust shalt thou be ground beneath mine heel! There, behold, the prospects come, waiting but for a chance to render unto thee vast sums of well-gilt riches! Art thou but man enough to take them? (to Moss) Thou, there, Lord Moss- what so troubles thy aspect?

Moss: Thou art such an esteemed lord, such a hero in the battle, so well-steeped in gold, what dost thou here amongst us lowly worms and gudgeons?

Blake (taking off his watch): Seest thou this watch? For this watch, this trinket, this shiny bauble that merely did please my eye, didst I lay down a sum that would purchase thy carriage thrice over. That is the stuff of which I do make myself, while thou, thou elf-skinned malt-worm, thou art nothing. Thou has a temperament most generous, virtuous, kindly, and pleasing? Ha! A fig! Thou art a just and loving father to thy children? Then get thee home and prance about with yon babes like a capering jackanape! (to everyone) If thou wishest thy honest labors here to employ and in just recompense receive that sum which hath from heavy coffers here been lifted, then thou must needs, with all due haste, bind up unto thyselves and seal most fastly the matters at hand! Thou likest it not? Get thee gone and rid my sight of thy pox-marked visage! I canst, with these same materials that thou dost shun as poor and weak, go out this very night and return two hours hence laden down with riches the likes of which thou hast never seen nor canst even picture in thy mind’s eye! Bring up thy rage, prick up thy spleen! Thou tottering, brazen-faced maggot-pies! Choke upon thine ire! The money doth sit yonder, ripe for the plucking. If thou do claim it, it is thine. If not, thou hast not my pity, nay, only my contempt as thou doth polish my boots. I would wish for Fortune to smile upon thee, but if thou were to receive the favor of that most fickle of goddesses, thou wouldst not know what use to make of it, nay, no more than the blind moldwarp wouldst know how to employ my sword. (to Moss, putting his watch back on) And in answer to thy query, knave, I didst come to this wretched hole because the Lords Mitch and Murray did so ask me to. And though I did as they requested, I did advise and caution them thusly, that the highest aid that could be rendered would be for thy pigeon-liver’d person to be cast out in the cold to wander. For a knotty-pated miscreant is naught by a knotty-pated miscreant. (Blake stares at Moss for a moment, before picking up his briefcase and exiting)

 

Texts From the Literary Universe

Happily Ever After- For Real!

Nothing spoils an otherwise good story like a bad ending. And there are often times when, though we may grudgingly admit that a particular ending was fitting, we can't help but wish that things had turned out differently- that the romantic pairings had been different, a villain hadn't gotten off so lightly, or some particular character had just made slightly more sensible decisions. Well, today some of these injustices will (hopefully) be rectified, as we investigate how select works of literature perhaps should have ended.

Tess of the D'Urbervilles

Angel Clare: Tess, will you marry me?

Tess: Yes! But before we get carried away, you should probably know that, a few years ago, I was assaulted by my scumbag of a cousin, and subsequently gave birth to a baby who later died. Is this going to be an issue?

Angel Clare: Ew, get away from me, whore!

Tess: Okay, then. Have fun in Brazil, asshat.

Angel goes off to Brazil and gets deathly ill. Meanwhile, Tess continues working at Talbothay's dairy where, at her suggestion, several ingenious innovations are implemented, which increase both quality and production. Tess is promoted to a management position, where she begins working closely with Mr. Talbothay's son, who respects her business acumen and is accepting of her past. The two of them marry and, following the death of Mr. Talbothay, take over the farm, which, under their management, becomes the largest dairy producer in the county. A penitent Angel returns from Brazil, only to discover that Tess has moved on. Unable to make it on his own as a farmer, he ends up returning to Talbothay's and working for Tess and her new husband. Meanwhile, Alec d'Urberville loses all his money, contracts syphilis, and dies a miserable, painful, lonely death in the workhouse.


Moby Dick

Ishmael: Queequeg, I've been thinking. You and I met at an inn owned by a man named Peter Coffin, which had, as part of its decor, a painting of a ship being destroyed by an angry whale. We then listened to a sermon about Jonah in a church heavily dedicated to people who died at sea. We have since signed on to a ship captained by a man named after a Biblical king who provoked the wrath of God. Furthermore, we have since been warned against this same ship by a creepy doomsayer with the same name as a Biblical prophet of doom. Call me crazy, but I think all of this is what's known as "foreshadowing," and it does not bode well for us.

Queequeg: Me think-ee you right! 'Spos-ee we choose-ee 'nother ship-ee? 

Ishmael: Excellent idea, my heathen friend!

Ishmael and Queequeg proceed to sign on to one of the other whaling ships. They have a successful and otherwise uneventful whaling trip, in the course of which Ishamel learns, once and for all, that whales are not fish. They return to Nantucket after a profitable voyage, and enjoy many years of a long and beautiful friendship.


Romeo and Juliet

Romeo: So, here's what I'm thinking- we'll meet at the church tomorrow, have Friar Lawrence marry us, and then get the hell out of Dodge Verona. That work?

Juliet: Sounds like a plan! I'll pack tonight.

The two lovers are married in secret. Then, rather than hang around Verona fighting duels, killing each other's cousins, getting exiled, and concocting elaborate schemes involving faking their own deaths, they immediately skip town, leave the country, and open a charming inn in the south of France, where they live happily ever after, surrounded by their children and grandchildren.


Cinderella

Prince:  Excuse me, Miss, but I don't believe we've been introduced?

Cinderella: *curtsies* Good evening, Your Highness. My name is Ella (thinks to herself "Boy, it sure is good that I'm not a total idiot and that my parents managed to instill basic etiquette in me before their untimely deaths, otherwise I might not have known that literally the first thing you do when you meet someone new is tell them your name. That could have led to all kinds of unnecessary complications!")

Prince: It is a pleasure to meet you, Ella. Would you care to dance?

Cinderella: Of course, but would you mind terribly if I ditched these shoes first? I know they're gorgeous and one-of-a-kind and all, but frankly, they're wicked uncomfortable.

Prince: Not at all!

The Prince and Cinderella proceed to dance, converse, and have an otherwise delightful evening, until...

Cinderella: Oh my goodness, it's 11:30! I'm so sorry, I really must go, I have to be home by midnight!

Prince: That's a shame. But, if it's all right, I'd really love to see you again.

Cindrella: Oh, I'd love that, but the thing is...well, I live with my stepmother and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't allow it at all. I'm not even supposed to be here tonight, actually.

Prince: Hmmm...

Cinderella leaves and is home by curfew. Meanwhile, the Prince arranges for the stepmother and stepsisters to win the grand prize from that evening's royal raffle- an all-expenses paid trip to the Caribbean! With the evil step-family an ocean away, he and Cinderella are free to date and get to know each other like normal people, thereby laying the groundwork for the happy, long-lasting marriage that ensues, which really is a far more sensible approach to things than rushing into marriage with a total stranger you've met once, for a few hours, and later could only identify because of shoe size.

Dr. Seusspeare, Part II

Happy (slightly belated) New Year, everybody! For the first post of 2015, I am happy to present you with the continuation of William Shakespeare's Macbeth, as told by Dr. Seuss (the first part of which, should you need a refresher, can be found here). So, without further ado, allow me to present:

William Shakespeare's

The Tragedy of Macbeth

as told by Dr. Seuss

Part the Second

Scene 1: Inverness- Macbeth’s Castle. Enter Lady Macbeth, alone, with a letter.

Lady Macbeth: My husband writes and tells to me

That he encountered Witch One, Witch Two, and Witch Three.

And before he could speak, they told him some things

Among them that he would be Cawdor and king.

Then lickity-split, before he knew what to do

He was told that the first thing they said had come true!

Well! That is some news! That is news that is grand!

There is nothing more fun than ruling the land!

And yet, my husband’s much to kind

He won’t like the plan I have in mind.

[Enter Macbeth]

Macbeth: Hey wife! Say wife! Duncan will stay here tonight!

Lady Macbeth: Yes, but let there be no doubt,

He can come in, but can’t go out!

When he arrives, be nice as can be,

Then tonight we will kill him, you and me.

Macbeth: Those are some strange words to hear,

Let’s talk later of this, dear.

Lady Macbeth: It will be easy, you will see!

Just leave all of it to me!

                                                Exeunt 

Scene 2: Inverness- approaching Macbeth’s castle. Enter King Duncan, Malcolm, Donalbain, Banquo, Lennox, Macduff, Ross, Angus, and Attendants.

Duncan: Say, this place is swell! This sure is one swell place to dwell!

[Enter Lady Macbeth]

Lady Macbeth: Yea, King Duncan, verily

I bid you welcome merrily!

We’re so glad you are our guest,

And that with us you’ve come to rest!

Duncan: Good Lady, is your husband here?

He rode too fast for us, I fear.

Lady Macbeth: About the Thane no longer wonder,

He’s waiting in the castle yonder.

Duncan:  Then by all means, let us go in

And thank the man who helped us win!

                      

  Exeunt

Scene 3: Inside Macbeth’s castle. Enter Macbeth.

Macbeth: No, I should not kill him

I should not, indeed.

For so many reasons,

It would be a bad deed!

Duncan’s my king,

He’s also my cousin,

And that is just two reasons

Out of a dozen!

He’s also my guest, and I hope you’ll agree

My guests should be honored,

Not murdered by me.

Then perhaps I should add, Duncan’s also quite nice

A man unacquainted with evil and vice.

No, I will not do it,

I won’t, that is clear-

            Enter Lady Macbeth

How now? What news is there, my dear?

Lady Macbeth: What are you doing out here, you fool?
Don’t you know that Duncan’s been asking for you?

Macbeth: I’ve sat and given it much thought,

I’m calling off our murder plot.

Lady Macbeth: How can this be? What do you mean?
I insist on being queen!

And if we’re to get ahead,

That man in there must end up dead!

We can kill him here or kill him there,

But we must murder him somewhere!

Macbeth: Peace, I say! I’ve made up my mind!
I won’t do something so unkind!
It doesn’t matter what you say,

I won’t do it in any way!

I would not kill him in a boat,

I would not drown him in our moat.

I would not kill him in his bed,

I would not stab him in the head!

I would not kill him here or there,

I would not kill him anywhere.

I would not, could not kill the king,
I could not do so foul a thing.

I’ll do only what befits a man,

Which does not mean killing the king of the land.

Lady Macbeth: Look at you, so prim and prissy!
You’re not a man, you’re just a sissy!

A real man would do what he said he would,

And murder Duncan well and good!

Macbeth: But suppose that we should fail?

Lady Macbeth: That will only happen if you bail!

Take your courage, screw it tight,

And we surely cannot fail tonight!

Later, when Duncan's fast asleep,

Into his room you'll softly creep.

As he's lying on his bed,

Take out your sword and kill him dead!
Then, before you leave the room,

Smear his blood upon his grooms.

No one will suspect a thing,

And just like that, you will be king! 

Macbeth: Goodness, wife, but you are tough!

But your plan makes sense enough.

And so your advice I'll heed-

Later this night, I'll do the deed.

Exeunt

Will Macbeth go through with his dastardly plot? Find out next time on Dr. Seusspeare's Macbeth!

Words With Criminals, Part I

*Insert obligatory disclaimer about how I know it's been ages and I have no excuse and I am a disgrace to the world of blogging here*

Good. Now that we have that out of the way, let's get right down to business. Allow me, dear readers, to present you with the following flight of literary fancy, inspired by this prompt from the users of r/writingprompts, over at Reddit: In a world where linguistic delinquency is on the rise, a Grammar Nazi is called to the scene of one of the most heinous crimes of his/her career.

            Chief Grammar Inspector Johann “Jack” Schmitt ducked under the yellow crime scene tape and climbed the stairs of the Forman University Library, his brown overcoat flapping in the cool night breeze. He pulled open the heavy oaken door and strode into the library. The normally quiet entryway was abuzz with activity- crime scene analysts pulling out evidence bags and setting up blacklights, tech guys tapping away on laptops, a couple of officers from the Syntax Squad busily consulting their copies of “Essentials of English Grammar” and “Elements of Style.”

The hum of voices abated a bit when Schmitt walked into the room. Six foot five, burly and mustachioed, Schmitt had a commanding presence, in addition to which he was something of a legend in the Grammar Police. A member of the force for nearly forty years, Schmitt had first come to prominence in ’75, after successfully mediating a particularly tense subject-verb standoff. His subsequent rise through the ranks had been nothing short of meteoric. It was Schmitt who held the record for corralling the most run-on sentences; it was Schmitt who, as head of the Punctuation Patrol, had led the highly effective crackdown on exclamation point abuse; it was Schmitt who, after months of undercover work, had at last brought down the infamous Txtspk Gang; and it was Schmitt who had finally tracked down and brought to justice “The Splitter,” a notorious and elusive serial criminal who had spent thirteen months roaming the Eastern Seaboard, leaving a trail of bleeding infinitives in his wake. By now, even the most fresh-faced rookie on the force knew- if Schmitt was on the case, something big was going on. Schmitt wasn’t called in for some routine apostrophe slip or piddling little comma splice. Schmitt was serious.

Ignoring the looks and whispers that followed him, Schmitt strode briskly through the hall to the circulation desk, where Detective Spreckels was waiting for him. Spreckels was head of the Tense Team, and the one who had called him in. “Evening, Herman,” Schmitt said by way of greeting.

“Evening, Jack. Or ‘Morning,’ I suppose I should say. Sorry to get you out of bed.”

Schmitt waved his hand dismissively. “Never mind that. What are we dealing with here?”

“This way,” said Spreckels, gesturing towards a large wooden door. “The scene is up on the fourth level of stacks. The elevator’s bust, so we’ll have to walk it. I’ll fill you in on the way up.”

The two men stepped through the door in the dusty quiet of the library stacks. Narrow shelves towered over them, and a musty odor filled the air. A faded map of the college campus hung on the wall opposite, while to the right, a rickety looking staircase led the way upwards. Spreckels leading, the two men began the ascent.

“Call came in about thirty minutes ago,” Spreckels began. “Undergrad- a senior- stayed late at the library to get some extra work done on his thesis. About one o’clock, he heard a noise coming from the other side of the stacks- said it was a kind of tearing and then a couple of thuds. Went to check it out, got one look at the scene, and ran to call us.”

“Who was first on the scene?” Schmitt asked. The detectives passed the second level of stacks and continued up.

“Hoffmann and Fischer. They were about a block away when the call came in, and called for backup pretty quickly when they saw the scene. I showed up with the guys from Tense about ten minutes later, took a look, and said we should call you.”

They had reached the landing that led to the fourth level. Spreckels paused, his hand on the knob of the door that led into the stacks. “Listen Jack,” he said, “there’s really no way to prepare you for this. I know you’ve seen a lot over the years, but this…this is worse than anything any of us has ever seen. Becker- you know what a tough nut he his- he got one look and just about lost his lunch. And the poor kid who found it, well, he’s at the hospital right now, in complete shock. This thing is brutal, completely beyond anything we’ve seen before. That’s why I knew we needed you on this right from the start.”

Schmitt nodded, his face grim. “I understand. Just let me see it.”

Spreckels took a deep breath and led the way through the door. “That way,” he said, pointing to the left. “Just past the last row of shelves. Forgive me if I don’t come with you. I…I don’t think I can stand to see it again just now.”

Schmitt nodded and walked towards the rear of the stack, where he let out an audible gasp. Spreckels was right- the scene before him was worse than anything he could have imagined. The surrounding shelves had been emptied, the books pulled off and tossed carelessly into a heap on the floor. Atop the pile of bent covers and torn pages sat a copy of the OED, a Number 2 pencil shoved through the front, like a stake through a vampire’s heart. Even worse, however, was the graffiti. It covered the walls, every inch of them, from ceiling to floor, the red paint splashed about in a crude mockery of an English teacher’s corrective pen. As he read it, Schmitt felt the bile rise in his throat:

Last nite! I dr3amd, I wEnt: 2 manderly agn

It’s a? tRUth Universaly aknolejed that a single; man –IN possechun. of a lrg 4-ton “must” b n (wont) of a w’ife,!?!

Hapee: famleez, R al a-lick every. unhapee Famlee iz Unhapee n it’s own, way’

2 b or? not…2 b! tht Is The Qwe’stc{h}Un???,?,?,?

aFteR All. 2m0r0w: iz “an”othr!!!!!!!1!! Day:

s!INg—o Mu’se Of Teh (anger), of; akileez?!

       On and on it went, row after row of the most disgusting perversions Schmitt had ever seen. Seemingly no one had been spared- Dickens, Twain, Steinbeck, Dostoevsky, Milton, Dante…author after author had had their cherished sentences ruthlessly and sadistically gutted on the library wall. “My God,” Schmitt whispered, and put out a hand to steady himself against the door frame. He was certainly no stranger to grammatical carnage. His decades on the force had left him well-acquainted with the atrocities man was capable of inflicting on the English language. But this…never, in all his forty years of hunting down grammar criminals, had Schmitt ever seen such a calculated, cold-blooded attack on everything that he held sacred.

                This was no time to show weakness, however. He’d been called in for his experience, his expertise. The other men were shook up enough as it was, without seeing him fall to pieces as well. He had to get a hold of himself. Closing his eyes, Schmitt took three slow, deep breaths to steady himself, then straightened up, turned, and strode briskly back to where Spreckels was waiting.

                “Was there anything there?” he asked, his voice low and quivering with barely suppressed emotion. “Anything at all that could tell us who was behind that…that…that bloody butchery back there?”

                Spreckel shook his head. “Nothing. It’s the damndest thing. No fingerprints. No fibers. Nothing. The only thing we found was this.” He pulled a sealed evidence bag out of his pocket and handed it to Schmitt. “Forensics wanted to send it right out to the lab, but I wanted you to have a look at it first.”

                Schmitt took the baggie and examined it. It contained a single sheet of lined notebook paper, covered with the same red ink smeared on the library walls. A mounting sense of horror overtook Schmitt again as he read the scrawling handwriting:

                

                   2 teh Grahmer po’Leece

                Gr33t1ngz?. Dis iz r! furst comyoonnikashun;  It will not! b teh (last),. 4  yeers wee hav: laB0red under teh Oppreshun Of You’re grammatehKu’ll rulez? and “suferd” under! the, Standurdized . spe-lling that, haz kwashed; teh awtH-‘entikley Cree8iv v1zshUn off teh! Tr00 R-tists.,!? No “Mor” ( Tihs) mArrks teh/ Furst of r, STRYKE’S? aganst . ur langwage!!! Tee-Ranny…Mor-- will folloh UnTil,l Awl Of. You’re (reepressiv )! konstraint’s “hav” ben dizm-anteld ?and, teh NEW; WORD ORDER haz, ben!!1!? instit00ted?!.?!! do not dowt? taht, w33 will b SuksSSsful You hav seen wat WE! R kapabel of. Begin, teh… kowNt. 4: ur daze?( as) Gramer des’pots “r” numb3r3dd.?!1?:;!?

Teh Illiterati

Under the signature there was a carefully drawn sketch of a pyramid, a dictionary impaled upon its point.

Schmitt looked up from the note, his face hard and grim. “Get this to the lab. Now.” He ordered, thrusting the baggie back to Spreckels. “And get forensics back up here. I want them to go over this place again with everything they have, I don’t care if it takes them all night.” He brushed past the other detective and began quickly descending the stairs.     

                “Sure, Jack, of course, but where are you going?”

                “Over to District. I’ve got to get through to Washington as soon as possible- we’re going to need all the help we can get on this.” Schmitt paused and looked back at his companion. “You were right, Herman. This is beyond anything we’ve ever seen before. And if we don’t stop this now, well, this is going to be just the beginning.” 

To be continued...6rtfcgj