Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Famous Movie Speeches, as Written by Different Authors

Mel Gibson's "Freedom!" speech from Braveheart, as written by Jane Austen:

William Wallace: My dear gentlemen, I am Mr. William Wallace.

Soldier: Mr. William Wallace has a great estate in Darbyshire and 7,000 a year, at least!

Wallace: Indeed, so I have heard, for Mrs. Long has just been here and told me all about him. He shoots grouse by the hundreds and if he were indeed in attendance today, he should, by the very superior nature of his dancing and his skill at the whist table, doubtless drive all the English before him. I must insist that I AM Mr. William Wallace. I perceive here a large party of my countrymen assembled in stubborn defiance of tyranny. You have assembled to fight as free gentlemen and I have no doubt that free gentlemen you most assuredly are. Indeed, whatever should we do without such freedom as is here spoken of? I pray you, gentlemen, will you fight?

Soldier: Indeed not! I believe, sir, that I may safely promise you never to fight against such a host as that! Rather, we shall run, and we shall live!

Wallace: Obstinate, headstrong Scots! Aye, no doubt, if you choose to fight there is a very good chance that you may die, while if you should run, you may live, at least for the present. But, expiring in your beds years from now, would not you trade all the days in between for the singular opportunity of returning hence and informing our enemies of the truth universally acknowledged that a valiant Scotsman, in possession of both his life and his freedom, may be able to be deprived by the English of the former, but never of the latter!

Vigorous, but polite, applause; several murmurs of agreement and; one or two shouts of "Huzzah!" and "Most excellently said!"

Alec Baldwin's "Always Be Closing" speech from Glengarry Glen Ross, as written by William Shakespeare:

Blake: Are they all here assembled?
Williamson: Aye, all but one.
Blake: Faith, I shall speak nonetheless. To matters of great import let us now direct our thoughts. (To Levene) What dost thou there? Has thou coffee? Fie upon thee, fie for shame! Unhand thy cup! Such fare is but the property of closers! Dost think I jape with thee? ‘Sooth, I jape not! Hither have I come on matters of that most heavenly and undeserved gift, the gentle grace of mercy! Thou’rt Levene?
Levene: Aye, I answer to that name.
Blake: Thou callst thyself a salesman, thou son and heir of a mongrel bitch?
Moss: I need not lendeth mine ear to this skimble-skamble stuff!
Blake: Thou speaks aright, for here shalt thou no longer ply thy wares! Hence, and get thee gone! And all the rest that do assemble here, thou e’en now hast but the span of seven nights with which to earn thy keep! Thou has leads!
Leven: Marry, the leads do lack in strength.
Blake: ‘The leads do lack in strength!’ Thou dost lack in strength, thou puny clack-dish!
Moss: What be thy name?
Blake: Lord Bite-My-Thumb be my name! (to Levene) And “Bootless Varlet” be thy name! Faith, but thou art more suited to the mincing sports of mewling babes than thou art to the tasks of men! Thou canst not close, and then back to thy wretched hovel dost thou slink in putrid disgrace, there like some lovesick maid to weep unto thy lady of thy troubles! (to everyone again) There is but one virtue in this mortal coil and that is for thou to have them upon the dotted line affix their seals! Dost hear and know my meaning, thou dankish scuts? (flips over a blackboard to reveal the letters “ABC”) “A” doth stand for “always,” “B” for “be,” “C” for “closing.” Always be closing! Thou closeth or into dust shalt thou be ground beneath mine heel! There, behold, the prospects come, waiting but for a chance to render unto thee vast sums of well-gilt riches! Art thou but man enough to take them? (to Moss) Thou, there, Lord Moss- what so troubles thy aspect?
Moss: Thou art such an esteemed lord, such a hero in the battle, so well-steeped in gold, what dost thou here amongst us lowly worms and gudgeons?
Blake (taking off his watch): Seest thou this watch? For this watch, this trinket, this shiny bauble that merely did please my eye, didst I lay down a sum that would purchase thy carriage thrice over. That is the stuff of which I do make myself, while thou, thou elf-skinned malt-worm, thou art nothing. Thou has a temperament most generous, virtuous, kindly, and pleasing? Ha! A fig! Thou art a just and loving father to thy children? Then get thee home and prance about with yon babes like a capering jackanape! (to everyone) If thou wishest thy honest labors here to employ and in just recompense receive that sum which hath from heavy coffers here been lifted, then thou must needs, with all due haste, bind up unto thyselves and seal most fastly the matters at hand! Thou likest it not? Get thee gone and rid my sight of thy pox-marked visage! I canst, with these same materials that thou dost shun as poor and weak, go out this very night and return two hours hence laden down with riches the likes of which thou hast never seen nor canst even picture in thy mind’s eye! Bring up thy rage, prick up thy spleen! Thou tottering, brazen-faced maggot-pies! Choke upon thine ire! The money doth sit yonder, ripe for the plucking. If thou do claim it, it is thine. If not, thou hast not my pity, nay, only my contempt as thou doth polish my boots. I would wish for Fortune to smile upon thee, but if thou were to receive the favor of that most fickle of goddesses, thou wouldst not know what use to make of it, nay, no more than the blind moldwarp wouldst know how to employ my sword. (to Moss, putting his watch back on) And in answer to thy query, knave, I didst come to this wretched hole because the Lords Mitch and Murray did so ask me to. And though I did as they requested, I did advise and caution them thusly, that the highest aid that could be rendered would be for thy pigeon-liver’d person to be cast out in the cold to wander. For a knotty-pated miscreant is naught by a knotty-pated miscreant. (Blake stares at Moss for a moment, before picking up his briefcase and exiting)


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