Literary Collaborations That (Un)Fortunately Never Took Place

Peanut butter and jelly. Popcorn and a movie. Bacon and...well, everything. Some things are just better together. The same goes in the artistic realm. What would Gilbert have been without Sullivan? Would we remember Rodgers without Hammerstein? What if Fred had had no Ginger?

This isn't always the case, though. There are many cases where, had collaboration taken place, instead of getting a timeless masterpiece, we would have gotten something very different indeed. Cases like these:

Aeneas of Green Gables
by Virgil and L.M. Montgomery

The quaint Canadian town of Avonlea is turned upside down by the arrival of loveable but accident-prone Aeneas, an orphaned Trojan prince. However, things take a darker turn when vengeful goddess Juno stirs up trouble between Aeneas and local hotshot Gilbert Blythe. Soon, the province of Prince Edward Island finds itself locked in an epic battle for sovereignty, culminating in a dramatic single combat between Aeneas and Gilbert.

The Interpretation of Midsummer Night's Dreams
by William Shakespeare and Dr. Sigmund Freud

Following a bewildering nighttime adventure in the woods, four young Athenians seek out the help of Dr. Freud in making sense of their experience. With the help of the Austrian psychoanalyst, the youths probe the depths of their subconscious, allowing Demetrius to work through the abandonment issues that caused his fear of commitment, while Lysander confronts his Oedipal demons, and Hermia and Helena resolve their problems of penis envy and suppressed homoerotic desires.

Common Sense and Sensibility
by Thomas Paine and Jane Austen

Left nearly penniless after the death of their father, sisters Elinor and Marianne Dashwood resolve to speak out against the unjust legal system of which they are victims. Erecting a printing press in their cellar, the girls set about printing and distributing anti-monarchical pamphlets, taking care to do so anonymously. However, complications arise when each girl finds herself romantically attracted to a member of the Establishment. Will their love interests prove enlightened enough to accept the girls' identities as political pot-stirrers? Or will their revolutionary activities doom them to lives of spinsterhood?

Good Night, New Moon
by Stephenie Meyer and Margaret Wise Brown

Sparkly, brooding vampire Edward Cullen watches obsessively every night for months, as boring teenager Bella Swann bids a fond goodnight to the objects in her room in this charmingly disturbing children's bedtime story.

Fifty Shades of Green Eggs and Ham
by Dr. Seuss and E.L. James

Innocent young college student Anastasia Steele is both excited and anxious when she attracts the attention of charming billionaire Sam Iam, CEO of WHO Industries. However, before they can be together, Sam places one condition on her- she must dine with him every day on a meal of green eggs and ham. Ana accepts and embarks on a romance with the rhyme-loving businessman. But their relationship grows strained as Sam's green eggs and ham demands grow ever stranger. First she must eat them in a house. Then, she must eat them with a mouse. Next, she must eat them on a boat. Each time Ana agrees. But when Sam makes his final demand- that she eat them with a goat- it may be more than she can take.

LTV

TV listings from the Literary Universe:

ABC

9:00 pm: The Bachelor- The contestants attend a ball at Netherfield, after which bachelor Charles Bingley narrows it down to the final five women.
10:00 pm: Extreme Makeover: Home Edition- "House of Usher" The team helps restore the crumbling family home of a down-on-their-luck brother and sister, who suffer from a debilitating nervous disorder and catalepsy, respectively. 

Discovery Channel

9:00 pm: Deadliest Catch: Cuba  Elderly fishing captain Santiago hunts for marlin in the series premiere of this reality spinoff.
10:00 pm: Man vs. Wild- "Uninhabited Island" Host Robinson Crusoe is dropped on an uninhabited island off the coast of America and must find his way back to civilization.

Travel

9:00 pm: A Hobbit's Holiday- "Rafting the Forest River" Host Bilbo Baggins takes a rafting trip from Mirkwood to Lake Town
9:30 pm: A Hobbit's Holiday- "Walking Tours of Mordor"  Frodo Baggins showcases the best routes for simply walking through Mordor. Samwise Gamgee co-hosts.
10:00: Bizarre Foods with Alice- "Wonderland"  Host Alice travels to Wonderland and samples local cuisine, including shrinking drinks and growth cakes.

FoodNetwork 

9:00 pm: Wholesome Eating with Henry Woodhouse- "Gruel: So Good, and So Good for You!" Henry Woodhouse discusses the soothing and healthsome properties of gruel, and shares his favorite recipes.
10:00 pm: Never Be Hungry Again! Budget Meals with Melanie and Scarlett-  Southern belles Melanie and Scarlett show you how to prepare tasty, homestyle meals without breaking the bank.

CNBC

9:00 pm: How I Made My Millions- "Scrooge and Marley" Business partners Ebenezer Scrooge and Jacob Marley share the story of their success.
10:00 pm: Crime, Inc.- "Booze, Broads, and Blood: The Rise and Fall of Jay Gatsby's Bootlegging Empire" A CNBC special report investigates the meteoric rise and violent end of wealthy bootlegger Jay Gatsby.

Lifetime

9:00 pm: What Really Happened: Inside the Hester Prynne Scandal- The Prynne-Dimmesdale affair was the scandal of the decade. Now, after years of silence, Hester Prynne opens up about her abusive marriage, secret love affair, and public shunning in this exclusive Lifetime interview.
11:00 pm: When Women Kill- Profiles of notorious female murderers Tess Durbeyfield and Lady Macbeth.

TNT

9:00 pm: Law & Order: Whoville- The Whoville police force, headed by detective Cindy Lou Who, investigate a baffling case involving the disappearance of the entire town's Christmas paraphernalia.
10:00 pm: Law & Order: Whoville SVU- When an unhatched baby bird is found abandoned by its mother, SVU detective Horton must try to bring the negligent parent to justice while protecting the infant.

Literary Limericks

We all want to be well-read. But let's face it- in this fast-paced day and age, few of us have either the time or the attention span to sit around and wade through pages and pages of dusty old classics. After all, this is the twenty first century! Gone are the days of sitting in armchairs, leisurely reading stacks of leather bound books by flickering candlelight. This is the age of Facebook and Twitter, of DVR and 140 character updates. We like things short, snappy, and to the point! The world has changed, and literature will just have to keep pace. We want to be well-read, and we want to get that way FAST!

Well, I am here to help. To help you become as cultured as possible as quickly as possible, I have condensed some of the great works of literature into limerick format, thereby saving you time, effort, and eye strain. Now you can enjoy each of these great works in a matter of seconds. You're welcome.

"Pride and Prejudice"

by Jane Austen

Mr. Darcy, rich, handsome, and vain,

By Lizzie Bennet was caused no small pain.

But he grew in her favor

When her runaway sister, he saved her,

So he married Lizzie, and Bingley wed Jane.

"A Tale of Two Cities"

by Charles Dickens

In times both the best and the worst,

Charles Darnay found himself cursed!

The French wanted him dead,

They cried out for his head!

But Sydney Carton gave them his first.

"Moby Dick"

by Herman Melville

There was a white whale, Moby Dick

Who was the reason Ahab's leg was a stick.

Captain Ahab he chased him,

But the whale quite outpaced him,

And Ahab, he died- what a trick!

"Hamlet"

by William Shakespeare

"Your uncle killed me," the king's ghost said,

Which made Hamlet go a bit off his head.

"To be or not!" 

Swords, poisons, and plots!

Now the whole court of Denmark is dead.

"The Tell-Tale Heart"

by Edgar Allen Poe

A man with a blue "vulture eye"

Seriously hacked off the wrong guy.

But as he lay under the floor

His heart beat some more,

Causing the killer to yell "It was I!"

Putting the "Book" in "Facebook"

So many great works of literature would be completely different had their characters had Facebook. A simple wall post from Juliet to Romeo could have prevented much tragedy. The Count of Monte Cristo could have saved time and effort by simply tagging his enemies in compromising photos. And I'm pretty sure Captain Smollett would have thought twice about hiring Long John Silver after checking out the guy's profile. Of course, myriads of other possibilities spring to mind as well. You know, like these:

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What Is This Blog?

Good question.

This blog is what happens when an English major in need of a creative outlet spends too much time thinking things like "What if Shakespeare had Facebook?" or "What if Mark Twain and Fyodor Dostoevsky collaborated on a retelling of 'The Three Little Pigs'?" or "Can you imagine if Miss Havisham had a relationship advice column?" That English Major, in case you hadn't guessed it, would be me- the girl who spends more time with fictional characters and dead authors than real people, and starts coming up with ideas like those just mentioned. Ideas which I was then always posting on Facebook, until one of my friends said "You should start a blog!" to which I replied "A blog, you say? Hmmmm. I am intrigued. TO THE BLOGMOBILE!"* And then I ended up here, in my own little corner of the Internet.

Join me, for adventures in literature!







*Not exact quote